I guess I've mentioned that the honeymoon is over in previous posts. It's not Sri Lanka's fault, it's nobody's fault, it's life. My eldest is pushing boundaries in a rather stressful and frankly, incomprehensible way. Part of me knows that is what he is supposed to do and it's great that he wants to venture into the adult world but the way he's doing it is disruptive and really not getting him anywhere. Of course, he would disagree with me on that but then again he would disagree with me over the air we breathe.
So I come to cringe a bit when I go to open my email. I'm actually hoping for spam rather than a message from school, that's how bad it is. I am grateful that G is really stepping up to the plate on a lot of this. But I am the first line, I will always be the first line and I have to be honest I DON'T GET IT.
(Warning to any teen readers: the following is a typical parental lament. You can return to the normal blog post after the jump!)
I asked him what is so horrible about his life, school. his parents. I really wanted to know. I can't change everything but I figure knowing is half the battle. He really couldn't give me an answer other than he hates moving. He wants what we had, the stability of living in one place whilst growing up. I tried to impress upon him that we chose this life because of what it ultimately offers. I realize that doesn't hold a lot of water for a 15 yr. old...I get it. He has idealized Seattle and life there to the point where it's become mythical. Again, totally normal but he won't allow for the sad fact that life moves on, people move on, you have to move on or be left behind. I tried to get this across by referring to the last scene in one of our favorite movies "Stand by me" the one where the kids go their separate ways after that one incredible, intense weekend. How those people, the ones you swear will be friends forever just become faces in the hallway, ghosts of your past. Even as I write, I know that he has got to learn this himself. He won't acknowledge that he is changing, life in Seattle is changing, that's the way it goes. He clings on to the past..understandable. So where does that leave us?
Of course there are other issues, he is a pretty complex character - that's what is going to help him have a great, rich life. Like any parent I want to give him the tools to realize that life. I don't want to dictate it, my period of dictating is drawing to a close( but I do have a few "further mores" to add! Duh!)
I didn't think that I would have to learn so much at fifty. "What the hell I have been doing for the past 50 years?" I know that other people are going through this and frankly, some of them are going through worse things. Still, I wish I had someone to talk to who wasn't at the school. It's a small place and having worked at a school I know what happens in the lunchroom. The biggest shock though is the loss of my sense of humour, I feel so grim and I hate that. I love my family, I want them to be happy, I want to be happy!
What to do...what to do?